The soft hue of blue shades, with a touch of creamy fuchsia, coloured my afternoon sky in Han Gang, at the Banpo Rainbow Bridge in Seoul. The weather was a bit cold, as it was almost seven thirty in the evening, even though it was summer.
I crossed at the bus stop confidently and exited as always, even if it wasn't my first time going there. Adrenaline rush, cold air, and excitement blended into one. Joy filled the air as I searched for my seat among the crowd, a mix of tourists like me and locals who wanted to catch a glimpse of the famous dancing rainbow fountain.
I walked past unfamiliar faces and sat in the middle of what was usually a performance stage for local artists who performed music on weekends. I was on my own, yet somehow, I felt like I belonged there, in the city that wasn't my hometown. The wind gently touched my skin, and I swayed with joy, dancing to the beat of the music I was listening to. Happiness filled my heart, and a question quietly surfaced in my mind:
"Should I be this happy? Even if I'm alone?"
Being a woman in the middle-aged era does provoke those kinds of questions in my head. If I'm on my own, what should I do when I grow old? But the truth is, even if I am married right now or with someone, I can't be sure that I will know the future, nor have any assurance of a better life than I have today. In the end, no one knows how the future will unfold.
From the passing of my dad during COVID and my dearest friend when he was just thirty-two, I've learned how fragile life truly is. We might have planned to spend the rest of our lives with someone, yet life might have its own plan for us.
I might be alone right now, and maybe I'm just learning to accept solitude earlier than anyone else. It might be scary, yes, but as humans, it's inevitable. One way or another, there will come a time when we are alone, just with our mind, body, and soul.
The conversation in my head begins to fade as the fountain starts to dance, and I know a beautiful song by BTS, Magic Shop, would fit that moment. I press play, and the soft intro begins. Hearing it in Seoul, during that evening on my own, warms my heart. Soon, rainbow lights colour the sides of the bridge where the fountain appears, creating a dancing-like line. I sit there for a while, simply enjoying my own company.
As humans, there's no "happily ever after" like in fairy tales. Neither life nor happiness ends, except in death. Happiness isn't a destination to go to, but a journey, they said. For me, it's a way of accepting the present.
I might not always be happy, spinning like a merry-go-round, yet I can accept my situation right now, whatever the condition is. If I can turn today into days that make me smile when I look back, then I will create those moments. And if somehow, I have no power to do anything, then I will learn to accept.
I believe we all make our choices in everything we do, from the moment we gain consciousness and become aware of our surroundings. Even deciding not to decide and letting others choose for us, is a choice.
2025 · Summer